I take motherhood, very seriously. Some even might say, too serious.
If I am aware of a better way, it is hard for me not to do it...that way.
From big things. To small things.
I realized yesterday that the juice bag I had been sending in my boy's lunch for the last week, contained Splenda.
I strive, without becoming a psycho mom, to put real ingredients in my kids bodies. We eat ChikFilA and occasionally Papa Johns Pizza. I do this to keep me from psycho-ness.
(I'm sure some of you reading this are nauseated at this point. But this is my blog and the things that weigh on my mind. You can always stop reading...)
Back to the poison, I mean Splenda, filled juice bag. I told my husband what I had discovered to which he replied, "he could drink that whole box and he would not die..." ha ha. To that I said, "but if I know there is something better out there, why would I feed him this?" His face dropped and he stared at me.
I went on to ask him, could he do that in his job? Know there was a better way to do something, and not do that...the better way? He said that he could not.
This is a hard way to operate. I know there are things that are okay, but for some reason, I struggle with ok or fine. I think I strive for the best. Isn't that okay?!
I guess it's the black and white brain that rattles around on top of my head.
I need to be more okay...with the just okay. (Just typing that does not sit well with me.)
We have our son in swim lessons, again. Today was day 1. I am stressed that he get this. He has not gotten it before. I wear this on my shoulders. Picturing hot July days being invited to the pool with one of his friends...who are jumping in the deep end. Perish the thought of my him, in the shallow end.
I look at the clock 28 times in the 40 minutes he was in that pool. I am in the car, they ask the parents not to watch lessons. I was the only parent who followed this instruction.
I see them growing, learning, struggling, failing.
I feel my heart outside my body with these two.
After his shower tonight, he was so tired. I wanted to help him dry off and get in his PJ's. The big he in the house gave me a look...so I resisted.
This is all I know how to do. This is all I want to do.
I have heard others say they have lost themselves in this role. Not knowing who they are.
But this place is where I have found myself.
3 comments:
Wow you echo my thoughts. I guess we both are passionate about our kids :) For women with other passions but still love parenting I think they are more "relaxed" in their thinking and way of doing things. I think parenting is pretty much my only passion at this time so when I am told things like "sugar lowers immune systems" and "chemicals" are bad for us...ie.aspartame (tho i have bought sugarless gum for years and am trying to quit that now with the xylitol type from the health food store) or that heating plastic is wrong etc....I try to not do these things. (but the sugar thing makes a huge difference. oh and washing hands after we've been somewhere) I don't have sick kids very often. (or they get better quickly if they do get a cold). I love how you paralleled your job to your hubby's. Men are so good with word pictures and I'd never thought of it that way either!! You're doing such a good job Lisa, I can tell:)
You inspire me to be a better Mom, Lis. And I totally get it - - you're burning the midnight oil to be the Mom that meets the needs and never, not for a moment causes damage or disappointment. Keep up the A+ job while you challenge me to do the same. xoxo!
I admire your zeal! XOXO
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